Post breakup #3, we maintained communication and would eventually meet up to hang out. The first couple of times though I was harsh and was holding onto a lot of angst against him, but that rubbed off and I moved on from those feelings. Five months later our relationship developed into a very friendly one, and we could enjoy each other’s presence again just doing normal things again. It got more complicated after two instances where we kissed.
The first time it happened, I walked back home utterly confused and astonished, practically talking to myself about the giant hole that I had just dug for myself. After the second kiss, I asked him, what on “God’s earth are we doing?” He had just as little clue as I did, but he knew two things – that he liked me and was happy. From there, we stepped back into the unforeseeable future of a potential rekindling of a relationship.
On a Tuesday night, two weeks later, we met up for some wine and a stroll around our part of the city. We plotted down at a memorial for an hour and just casually chatted about whatever came to mind. Throughout the previous week I kept reminding myself that I didn’t know where our relationship was headed, asking myself if this was even what I wanted, or if I was going with the flow like a tend to do. Not yet completely sure of what I wanted, I continued on with an open heart. However, on this night there were warning signs one after another that set off alarms of “this truly is a waste of time”.
I finagled the conversation over to “what on earth are we doing?” again that was scratched by the surface of our 2nd breakup and his unhealthy “need to feel liked by people” aka strangers. Instead of being clear about what his intentions were, he had no issue listing off reasons why in the past he questioned our relationship, all of which I’ve heard him mention to me already. He was able to muster up that he was attracted to me and that he thought we clicked; this is all very nice to hear but also like…cool bro, we’ve been seeing each other off-and-on for more than 17 months – I think we’re beyond this realization. In the end, I asked the blatant question of, “Is this a summer fling?” and he was quick to respond that it was not all the case, and that he truly genuinely liked me, but nothing more was said. At the end of the night I felt angry by the whole situation, a feeling that helped me come to the realization was that I did not want to spend any more time with him even as a casual summer fling. I then had my own list of turn-offs and my decision to distance myself from him.
The next day included a number casual conversation starters initiated by him through text and snapchat, but I found myself not eager to respond or interest in what was going on in his day. And then at night I read my horoscope.
“You have been back-and-forth on a personal matter – perhaps a matter of the heart – for some time now, and yet you are no closer to a solution than when you started. It must be maddening to keep bringing up the issue, saying the same things over and over and getting the same result, or lack thereof. So why do you keep getting into it? Wouldn’t it be wiser to walk away and let it unfold naturally? And, even if you still don’t find a solution, that’s a valuable solution in itself, because it frees you to move beyond it.”
On Thursday morning I made the decision to ghost him. My main reason being that he will never leave me alone. We’ve been down the road of breaking up three times already, but he always found ways to reach out to me. I know that letting him know that I did not wish to seek out a relationship with him would be the nice and mature way of ending things, but the fact that we’ve already chose that path multiple times let me know that it likely wouldn’t work out as planned. That day he didn’t contact me at all, that first day felt easy and painless. However the following days were much harder and I questioned myself a lot in my decision to ghost him. But ultimately he had hurt me so much and never made up for any of them. I reminded myself of all those reasons, never running of those reasons, when I needed some extra convincing to continue ignoring his messages. I knew that this wasn’t the end since we live in the same part of the city.
I went back and forth whether to combine these posts or even to delay in finishing this with talking about some of the dates that I went during our 5 month hiatus. But I really just want to finish with this chapter of my life, especially since I’ve moved on to bigger and better things. So let’s get right into breakup #5, shall we.
Promises are just that, promises not facts
Now we enter to what happened just a couple of weekends ago. This whole tale and string of breakups is finally coming to an end. I guess you can say, better later than never. Wish me luck, if things come around again you can bet I’ll post it up on here. However, there will be something seriously wrong with me. I am well aware that I deserve someone better. I almost feel bad whoever ends up with him next.
Basically what happened, I’ll keep this short and sweet, I called him an asshole and we haven’t spoken since. When you’re a grown-ass man in your mid-thirties, you think they would be thinking about potential next steps with whoever they’re with. But no not the case here friends.
Roughly at 11:00 PM at his apartment, he tells me that he wants to take a shower and go to bed, but doesn’t want me to sleep over. Now when you’re a couple and you truly love someone, you should want to spend all the time you have just in their company. You don’t have to entertain each other, you can be in separate rooms, but you’re both open and in each other’s presence. Not the case here, he would rather I leave and we had only seen each other once that week. So I brought up this as a result of being escorted out to walk home alone. He said he would think about what I had told him. I arrived home that night, but with no text from him making sure I made it home okay. I get it, I live two blocks away, but we live in a city you can’t predict what could happen. So that morning when I received nothing but a picture from him of some popsicles, I paused. I told him that he was wasting my time again, his response “Haha why?”. Well that deserved a “you’re an asshole”. That’s how it went down.
I know a lot of my posts recently have been on heartbreak, but this was the last one – atleast for a while.